Ups & Downs

The week / week and a half that followed were literally a rollercoaster. At first it didn't really sink in that we'd have to decide whether or not to continue with the pregnancy - it was a massive shock and I guess unless you sit down and talk about the options, you don't instantly think about what you want.

I remember going to work that night and feeling so crap. What was strange is that one of my colleagues actually asked if I was pregnant! Of course I didn't say I was, I brushed it off and said I felt sick. Just knowing that a foetus we'd made was inside me was constantly on my mind, and I couldn't help researching what stage we were actually at in the pregnancy - I was shocked to find that it had fingernails, some bones, eyes and the beginnings of little fingers (which would soon become hands and then arms!) Our little embryo was also just a couple of millimetres smaller than a grape.

In that situation, I do realise that researching such things probably wouldn't have been the best idea, as even that shows a tiny bit of attachment - which would then make it harder if a termination was what we decided. We got home and talked for hours but didn't really seem to get anywhere - although we reassured each other we'd be there for each other no matter what and that communication was the most important thing. Although we're only 19, I felt like we'd already 'grown up' a lot more since finding out hours earlier. I knew whatever we decided, we'd be okay.

The next step was telling our parents. I initially wasn't going to tell my mum if termination is what we chose - purely because I didn't want to worry her and that old saying 'what she doesn't know won't kill her' sort of thing. Ole was more keen on telling his parents as he believed they'd be able to help advise us regarding our decision. It must have been about 5 days later but on the way home from work Ole seemed to have a sudden adrenaline rush and told me he was just going to walk in and tell them. I admired his bravery but also backed out of going in with him! I drove home and awaited the results anxiously. Almost two hours passed when I received a text saying "It's Done." I was so nervous to know what had been said and what had gone on but Ole had said that they weren't angry; it was obviously a shock but whatever we chose they'd be there for us. They also said they'd like to talk as a four to hear my views - scared the life outta' me! Of any time to be mature though, this was it so we arranged to have a chat a couple of days later.

All went well with the chat, but still we didn't really get any closer to completely deciding what we'd do. We knew time was of the essence though as the GP estimated I was roughly 9 weeks pregnant at this point. Personally, talking to Ole's parents and my mum (I decided to tell her nonetheless!) made me feel like I should have a termination. Mine and Ole's views were that:

• The situation isn't ideal at this age / as we weren't in a proper relationship

• We didn't want a termination to harm our already hilarious, brilliant and fun friendship

• We didn't want to regret anything in the future

• I was worried that if I decided I wanted to continue, Ole would possibly resent me - he assured me this 100% would never be the case though

• The main thing was our happiness - nobody else's

I think me and Ole both needed an 'escape' almost, so on the weekend I went to Chichester to stay with Soph, and Ole went to Brighton with a couple of friends to see their friend John. Just seeing Soph and being away from home surroundings instantly cheered me up. I'm familiar with Chichester as my grandad owns a caravan 10 minutes away and has done since I was 2, so being back there was also really nostalgic! Rob and Val (Soph's parents) treated us to a Pizza Express and we went to a Wetherspoons afterwards. We were planning on going to a bar but were shocked to find they all close at 11! (Yes it was a Friday night - bit different to Croydon eh!) It was also the first time I'd seen Soph's new house since she moved there early Feb and it's amazing. It completely relaxed me, and although we spoke about the pregnancy, it wasn't the main focus which is what I needed. The next day we went shopping and I gave into my shoe addiction in Office and bought some high top flatforms that were only a fiver so massive bargain!

The bouquet Ole bought me (chose the flowers himself) to cheer me up

J xxx