05-03-2013



After my bloodtests // Our first glimpse of our little sprog!




Tuesday 5th March 2013

This was the day we were booked to meet the midwife who would be monitoring my pregnancy at East Surrey Hospital. Ole and I had to wake up early as our appointment was at 09:40 in the morning (about 3 hours before we were used to getting up!), although it wasn't that hard as we were so excited.

At this point we presumed from my LMP (last menstrual period) that I was 14+0 weeks pregnant. We were quite eager to get an ultrasound scan that day due to the cut off point to check the nuchal fluid (fluid at the back of the foetus' neck) for Downsyndrome is 13 weeks. Hopefully getting a scan would mean that we'd have one less thing to worry about if the nuchal fluid was of a normal amount.

We sat in the waiting room with a few other expectant mother's but I was definitely the youngest there. This didn't really worry me but in that situation you automatically think they're all thinking the same: 'Ooh another teen pregnancy', 'Look how irresponsible she is', 'How is she going to afford a baby'. The list is endless but it is a shame that young women are generally perceived in that way - I may be wrong, and the other mother's may have not even battered an eyelid, but from what you see in the media and the people that go on Jeremy Kyle, you can see why some older women would think that. It settled me that at least Ole was there to keep them from thinking I was a single mother-to-be!

Eventually my name was called by a lady in a blue uniform and those awful white slip on shoes (you must know the ones I mean). Her name was Elizabeth but she introduced herself as Beth and told me to come alone for the first 15/20 minutes or so of our supposed hour-long conversation which would consist of a lot of questions and information overload! We went into a small room and she explained that anything we discussed, she would have to type into a file onto the computer. This, coupled with her being deaf in the ear I was speaking to the whole time did prove time consuming. She measured my height (1.62) and weight (54.3) which gave me a BMI of 20.7. (Will be interesting to see if and when this changes during my pregnancy!)

She asked me the general questions of occupation, allergies (lactose intolerance), mental health and social wellbeing - which were all fine! She asked about family history - interestingly all of my siblings were born early apart from myself, but only by 1 day! She gathered from the information that my EDD from LMP (estimated due date from last menstrual period) would be the 2nd September 2013. She said this could change after having my first scan, as the sonographer can tell for sure from the size of the foetus exactly how far gone in the pregnancy you are. Ole and his mum were offered back in and Ole had to answer a few questions. She then gave me an orange slip and told me that I needed to have a blood test as a routine check for HIV/AIDs and that an ultrasound appointment was booked for 3pm that day.

It was overwhelming to know that after a few hours we'd be seeing what we'd made on a screen wriggling around, but at the same I was nervous for the blood test I was about to have. I walked anxiously down to the phlebotomy department and took a ticket. It was busy but the number on the screen quickly rose and soon it was my turn. I told Ole to hold my hand and told the phlebotomist not to tell me when she was going to put the needle in. I gave her the orange slip and she replied in shock asking: "5 blood tests?!" I was also shocked and my nervousness increased. She queried with another lady in the room but went ahead all the same. I hated the pressure and the feeling that was happening in my arm but soon after it started, it stopped. I took a sigh of relief and asked if she was finished. She then said that she could only fill up half of one of the tubes but no more blood was coming out. She tried in a different location in the same arm, then twice in my other arm - each failing to produce any blood! They advised I go and drink as much water as I can and return after doing so to try again.

After going through a bottle of water (I've never drunk much so this was a huge achievement for me) we returned after 2-3 hours. They first tried my right arm - which was the arm that failed to produce any before; again it failed. The lady then tried again in my left arm and managed to fill the other 4.5 tubes. Everyone in the room were chuckling away at me for being such a wuss, but I don't ever remember having a blood test and apart from my nose when I was 2, I've never broken a bone in my body (touch wood) - so I've never had to deal with any real pain. We departed for the ultrasound department and took a seat in the waiting area. We sat looking through the pack Beth had given me, going through the relentless amounts of leaflets and small brochures etc.

Finally after what seemed like forever my name was called. Julia (Ole's mum) waited but me and Ole went through. The room was fairly dark but I hopped onto the bed in anticipation and lifted up my baggy top. She then asked if either of us had a history of twins in our families to which both of us replied no (I found out at a later date that I infact do have a history of twins!). I asked her why she'd asked that and she responded by saying: "It's just you've got quite a bump there haven't you". This scared me a bit as obviously this lady looks at women's stomach's all day, so she's quite a pro - and to think about having two babies to look after at this age was frightening!

She squelched the jelly onto my lower abdomen and placed the doppler in the middle. Immediately the screen lit up and staring back was our baby! She jokingly mentioned that there was only one baby in there, not two. It was the most surreal experience and I couldn't stop laughing. She even had to tell me to keep still so she could measure him and check the nuchal fluid. He was quite still and the lady told us he was really easy to photograph and that she was excited to see him at my 20 week scan. She shook the doppler to try and wake him up and as she did so he kicked and span around. She then told us that I was earlier in the pregnancy than we first expected, telling us that I was in fact 11+6 days pregnant, not 14+0! 

She told us that to get a more accurate percentage of the chance of Downsyndrome I'd have to have one more blood test - as you can imagine I was not happy after the ordeal I'd previously had trying to fill up the other 5 tubes. Seeing him wriggling inside me put us on such a high I didn't really think about being nervous for my 6th blood test of the day. My 20 week scan was scheduled for April 30th - about 8 weeks from this one. Definitely one of the best days this year so far!!

J xxx

Changing Body

7 Weeks // 8.5 Weeks // 10 Weeks // Changing stretched belly button //
15 Weeks // 19 Weeks

Continuing on from the last post, Ole and I actually did book to have a termination on the 13th February 2013, almost three weeks after we initially found out. At the time, friends and family thought we were 'dragging the decision out', and that we should've made the decision much sooner. I think unless you've been in the situation we were in at that moment in time,  nobody can really relate to how you're feeling, how quickly you should or shouldn't decide things, or really help in making the final decision. This was hard for me to grasp because although I had amazing support from family and friends - whatever decision, I also felt really alone and I can honestly say it was a few of the hardest weeks ever.

If I remember rightly, it was about 2 days before I was due to have the termination that I finally asked myself what I wanted. Not what my mum would want, not what Ole's parents would want, not what Ole wanted (to an extent - as his thoughts mattered a lot to me). I realised that I personally thought that termination was morally wrong - I think the type of termination also contributed to this view (I was too far into the pregnancy to just plainly take the two pills and have a 'period type bleed'), so it would've had to have been a mini-operation to remove the actual foetus. This then made me realise that I was more likely to regret the termination than carrying on with the pregnancy, regardless of my situation financially as well as with Ole.

Speaking to Ole about it I wanted to make sure that he wouldn't hate me, or resent me for 'ruining his life' as some had said, but he just reassured me that I wouldn't be ruining his life at all, it'd be changing it and that life is crazy and doesn't always go as planned. Which is obviously true; I had applied to London College of Fashion to study Fashion Photography. I also wanted to go travelling and see the world like everyone my age and Ole was enjoying being a carefree 19 year old! He told me that he'd do everything for me, him and our little sprog to make sure everything worked out and to make sure we were happy. Hearing this, being the pregnant, hormonal female I was made me feel so happy and secure, I knew that with Ole alongside me, nobody else's opinions mattered.

The next day we cancelled the termination and told our parents. We all shared big hugs and they told us everything will work out and will be fine. Looking back I'm so happy I decided to cancel. Just thinking about how upset and emotional I was at that time even makes me sad now, I wasn't myself and I can see that I have been 100x happier since choosing to continue.

From the photographs above you can see my progressively growing little belly! It makes me so excited as well as shocked at times to walk past the mirror and see how much it has actually grown since this whole adventure started. I think my belly button looks hilarious as it's so stretched, I'm hoping it doesn't pop out any time soon/at all as I am determined to keep my navel piercing - no matter how many people are telling me to take it out!

J xxx

Ups & Downs

The week / week and a half that followed were literally a rollercoaster. At first it didn't really sink in that we'd have to decide whether or not to continue with the pregnancy - it was a massive shock and I guess unless you sit down and talk about the options, you don't instantly think about what you want.

I remember going to work that night and feeling so crap. What was strange is that one of my colleagues actually asked if I was pregnant! Of course I didn't say I was, I brushed it off and said I felt sick. Just knowing that a foetus we'd made was inside me was constantly on my mind, and I couldn't help researching what stage we were actually at in the pregnancy - I was shocked to find that it had fingernails, some bones, eyes and the beginnings of little fingers (which would soon become hands and then arms!) Our little embryo was also just a couple of millimetres smaller than a grape.

In that situation, I do realise that researching such things probably wouldn't have been the best idea, as even that shows a tiny bit of attachment - which would then make it harder if a termination was what we decided. We got home and talked for hours but didn't really seem to get anywhere - although we reassured each other we'd be there for each other no matter what and that communication was the most important thing. Although we're only 19, I felt like we'd already 'grown up' a lot more since finding out hours earlier. I knew whatever we decided, we'd be okay.

The next step was telling our parents. I initially wasn't going to tell my mum if termination is what we chose - purely because I didn't want to worry her and that old saying 'what she doesn't know won't kill her' sort of thing. Ole was more keen on telling his parents as he believed they'd be able to help advise us regarding our decision. It must have been about 5 days later but on the way home from work Ole seemed to have a sudden adrenaline rush and told me he was just going to walk in and tell them. I admired his bravery but also backed out of going in with him! I drove home and awaited the results anxiously. Almost two hours passed when I received a text saying "It's Done." I was so nervous to know what had been said and what had gone on but Ole had said that they weren't angry; it was obviously a shock but whatever we chose they'd be there for us. They also said they'd like to talk as a four to hear my views - scared the life outta' me! Of any time to be mature though, this was it so we arranged to have a chat a couple of days later.

All went well with the chat, but still we didn't really get any closer to completely deciding what we'd do. We knew time was of the essence though as the GP estimated I was roughly 9 weeks pregnant at this point. Personally, talking to Ole's parents and my mum (I decided to tell her nonetheless!) made me feel like I should have a termination. Mine and Ole's views were that:

• The situation isn't ideal at this age / as we weren't in a proper relationship

• We didn't want a termination to harm our already hilarious, brilliant and fun friendship

• We didn't want to regret anything in the future

• I was worried that if I decided I wanted to continue, Ole would possibly resent me - he assured me this 100% would never be the case though

• The main thing was our happiness - nobody else's

I think me and Ole both needed an 'escape' almost, so on the weekend I went to Chichester to stay with Soph, and Ole went to Brighton with a couple of friends to see their friend John. Just seeing Soph and being away from home surroundings instantly cheered me up. I'm familiar with Chichester as my grandad owns a caravan 10 minutes away and has done since I was 2, so being back there was also really nostalgic! Rob and Val (Soph's parents) treated us to a Pizza Express and we went to a Wetherspoons afterwards. We were planning on going to a bar but were shocked to find they all close at 11! (Yes it was a Friday night - bit different to Croydon eh!) It was also the first time I'd seen Soph's new house since she moved there early Feb and it's amazing. It completely relaxed me, and although we spoke about the pregnancy, it wasn't the main focus which is what I needed. The next day we went shopping and I gave into my shoe addiction in Office and bought some high top flatforms that were only a fiver so massive bargain!

The bouquet Ole bought me (chose the flowers himself) to cheer me up

J xxx



The Stick

24th January 2013 / 16:20


2 Pink Lines

This is when me and Ole first saw those two pink lines on the pregnancy test stick. This is when our lives - no matter what decision - would change a huge amount.

I remember going into boots after we’d had a Nandos and Ole saying to the girl at the till:
“Wish me luck!”
She stared at him blankly and we left. We were in a rush anyway as we had to leave for work at 16:40 so when we got home I ran upstairs to pee on the stick. Immediately the two lines showed up - so innocently and I just laughed.

To say I’ve never been more shocked is an understatement. I came out of the bathroom and Ole was singing and dancing round his room, so happy. I sort of felt bad that I was about to tell him I was pregnant as I knew his mood would change almost instantaneously - I was right!!

We both cuddled and Ole told me that whatever decision we made he’d always be there for me whenever I needed him. This made me happy and sort of relieved. It hadn’t really sunk in that pretty much asap we’d have to make the biggest decision of our lives!

J xxx

Doubts

6 Weeks

So this was taken on the 23rd January 2013, and what originally made me think I was pregnant.

To me, my belly had changed as well as my boobs - they were sore and had grown. Everyone I sent this photo to said I was being silly - which we now know couldn’t have been further from the truth haha!!

J xxx